Comments on naijablog: Mothers and sons

Let me start by saying I do not know these people....

2012-12-24T19:18:47.614+01:00

Let me start by saying I do not know these people. So unless there is some background information that people have, I'm surprised people are willing to label the father as evil so quickly.

It seems the mother was trying to do the same thing to the child that she is now accusing the father of.Take the child and run away to the US. Why doesn't anyone see the wrong in that?

A child belongs to both parents. One parent doesn't have more rights over the child. So if the mother tried to run away with the boy, then she's only getting a taste of her own medicine.

This is not a court matter, this is a family matter. Trust will be key to this being resolved. Both parents have to build that trust with each other so the fear of abduction is put to rest.

It's sad when parents put the bitterness and anger they have against each other before their child(ren). There are no winners in this situation, just a bunch of broken hearts:(

Ayisha, I feel you. I called K A to ask if we cou...

2011-02-09T11:04:45.402+01:00

Ayisha,
I feel you. I called K A to ask if we could talk. I believe we can make a difference some day. It's happened to me and I truly do not wish this trauma on my worst enemy.
May God sort you out the soonest soonest. I am a Christian and it's just by His grace that I cope.

Wanaiah

"For the past few years, however, Stephanie&#...

2011-02-05T11:58:03.715+01:00

"For the past few years, however, Stephanie's (Stephanie Seymour, famous Victoria's Secret model) personal life has been tabloid fodder. She and her husband, Peter Brant, were in the throes of what seemed to be a bitter divorce, complete with name-calling and ugly accusations, until they recently decided to reconcile. "I had an epiphany," Stephanie says. "[I] went to my husband's house with a sort of peace offering. ... I just said to him, 'We both love our children too much to let this go on any further.' Most of what's said in the press really is nonsense, and we just decided then and there to reconcile and work things out between the two of us." -- The Oprah Show

I post this because the child here, Mohammed, is most important right now. The parents are two adults who are free to make their own choices but this child is at the mercy of his parents/guardians until he is an adult. If Ayisha was taking their child abroad without informing his father, that's wrong (unless the father is physically abusive and she and the child were in danger) but it's also wrong to seize a child from his mother and not let her see him (unless she's physically/emotionally abusive towards the child).
Of course, Ayisha has remarried so this is not a matter of getting back together with her child's father, but I would say to try and reconcile with him so that they can both know and grow with their child.

Indeed Fred is a big idiot and does need to think ...

2011-02-04T15:43:17.695+01:00

Indeed Fred is a big idiot and does need to think with his brain ...not his d..k!

Ayisha, you are a strong woman indeed and I do pray that you never give up...because you will get your son back. dont stop this fight (and be prayerful).

I am a seperated mum too and your story just makes me shiver with horror. I am scared because I may be faced with this situation too if I decide to re-marry. However, no woman wants to be alone and no woman can bare being seperated from her kids.

More grease to your elbows for speaking up - you are an inspiration and I believe women in Nigeria can learn valuable lessons from you. May you win this case and may you find happiness and peace. Welldone!

Wow, my heart is burdened. If more women share sim...

2011-02-04T12:00:50.173+01:00

Wow, my heart is burdened. If more women share similar stories more often, perhaps more voices will decry this gross injustice against women.

it's sad really. May God help us overcome.

Sorry FRED but u'r a complete moron. I pray to...

2011-02-04T01:39:25.785+01:00

Sorry FRED but u'r a complete moron. I pray to God you start engaging your brain when you say or write things.
Can't you read and then process the information?

To Authentic You are being naive and insensitive b...

2011-02-03T21:26:27.369+01:00

To Authentic
You are being naive and insensitive by suggesting that it has to do with intellect. People change and I have seen very educated men treat their wives and girlfriends like a piece of furniture. We need to avoid using social and psychological yardsticks developed in the West to unravel and deal with issues in Africa affecting women, children and men alike.

I woke up at 4.40 am to see someone had forwarded ...

2011-02-01T06:46:42.044+01:00

I woke up at 4.40 am to see someone had forwarded me your blog and had to get up to say something as it touched very raw nerves. As a child I experienced forcible separation from both my mother and father due to their inability to stay together and like your little Mohammed had to live with an uncle and his family. As a wife I am going through a separation from my husband so my children are also experiencing a separation from a parent. When I say I know how it feels I DO! Separation from both parents no matter how wonderful the foster family is a terrible thing. I will not dwell on the possible damage (this was done by another writer) but will try to look at the possible solution.

My advice/suggestion to you Ayisha is to negotiate access despite the fact that the case is court. I know you have tried but try again and again! You may consider this as eating most undeserving humble pie but believe me it would most best serve the interest of your son. Negotiations should not only be with the father of your child and father in law but most particularly with the family with whom your son resides. Forge a relationship/alliance with this uncle/auntie to enable you access your son pending when you are able to resolve issues "amicably" or legally whichever comes first. Eat further humble pie by contacting the father of your child personally and directly - regardless of how impossible he may seem at this point, you once loved this man and he you. Reach out to your father-in-law who from the writings on this blog appears to be a major factor try friends, colleagues etc. Also use you mother-in-law you would be surprised at the impact (positive or negative- you must know which before you try) she may have, the father of your child’s siblings, uncles, aunties, friends etc Be careful in your choice (you know the family) but USE anyone that may serve your sons best interest at this time. Yes my dear sister you will eat humble pie not because you have done anything wrong but because of your son who's interest is paramount. If we count the calories in the amount of humble pie i have eaten for the sake of my children i would be at least a size 24 (I am currently a 14 and was an 18 before all this wahala- something good came out of it!)

Both you and the father of your son have roles to play in his life, sometimes these roles are so intertwined it is difficult to say where one ends and another begins but at this young age you have a greater role but must share with the father of your child. The father of your child does have a role to play in his life and for all your sakes it should be a positive one. Sometimes on issues I am the bad cop with the kids but get their dad to come in as the good cop to arrive at a decision that would benefit them.

As for your husband, I do hope you have his continued support and pray that your union will be a happy one with Mohammed included in this mix. As for you Ayisha, May the Lord keep you to play the role he has destined for you - mother to Mohammed and others wife and partner in this journey of life to your husband.

Above all dial up to God directly believe me he hears, sees and answers.

The true picture of the story is emerging. This is...

2011-01-29T00:44:52.336+01:00

The true picture of the story is emerging. This is purely a family affair and should be handled as such. These dirty linens hanging in public is enough. Ayesha being remarried, move on with your life. The Belgores,do not repay disrespect with disrespect. Show yourselves to be honourable people. Allow Ayesha access to her son if you get the assurance that he will not be taken out of the country without his father's consent. Similarly, the father cannot take the boy out of the country without the mother's consent. Shikena ko!

I think that the issue here is that there are no l...

2011-01-28T11:00:59.292+01:00

I think that the issue here is that there are no laws practiced in Nigeria.

Although most stories of seperation are linked to Children and their mothers. It also happens the other way round. I know two very personal stories where the fathers are seperated from their children and they cannot do anything about it because the mothers come from richer or more powerful families.

The lesson to learn here is that we must fight to do the right thing even if that will cause us to be ridiculed or shamed in our community. It might look like the world will be against you but the moment you decide to fight for justice then God will be on your side and you will be greatly surprised where help and support will come from. - The Hausa Culture does not encourage us to speak out for the sake of the family name....whatever that is.

I have to say some of the comments above are too p...

2011-01-26T19:58:40.029+01:00

I have to say some of the comments above are too personal and close to the bone. If any commentor makes another comment specifically about Ayisha I'm not going to be able to approve it. I appeal to you all to stick to the general issues, not make remarks about the specific people involved.

Thank you.

Ayisha,don't give up the fight! Someday the co...

2011-01-26T15:36:14.870+01:00

Ayisha,don't give up the fight! Someday the courts in Nigeria will grant mothers their rights to custody of their children. Maybe when more female judges hear these cases, because they better understand the issues at stake. While we wait, we continue to appeal to the highest court to come to the aid of mothers in such predicaments. GOD ALMIGHTY'S court of course. You were lucky, you knew where your son was! My daughter was yanked from her grand mother's hands and driven away screaming and yelling. And for 13 months we had no idea where she was! By the way this was in spite of the existence of a court order keeping the child with her mother. You know, the bottom line is God is still supreme!Twelve years later, she reestablishes contact with her mother. But she is not the child I had hoped to raise! The trauma she had endured, had taken its toll on her both physically and emotionally. This of course meant nothing to her egotistic father! I suggest you take every opportunity you get to see and spend time with your son for now. SURELY he will come looking for you. There is never a question about who bore a child! Only paternity of a child can be questioned.

Blast, there are way too many "Anonymous"...

2011-01-26T03:12:29.815+01:00

Blast, there are way too many "Anonymous" People on this thread.. many of whom are speaking through their noses. How can men rightly determine HOW a woman who lost her child is supposed to feel? A failed relationship is just what it is. Failed. The facts that made it fail do not matter, neither does the story of the woman or the man. The only fact that matters is that a young child needs its mother. Uncles and Aunty's try their best, but in 99.9% of cases, they are poor substitutes for ONE'S OWN mother. I bet some of the people making flippant comments will not cry if their own mothers die aged just 50. Perhaps, because they wouldn't miss her[???] A child needs to be nurtured BY IT'S MOTHER. The logic that a woman is "giving the child to "ANOTHER MAN" is both primitive and shocking". It doesn't matter how highly placed they are, Ayisha, though it may take long, all this senselessness will end soon. No man is God, regardless of how highly influencial or significantly powerful he is. NO MAN IS GOD... Just keep focus, Ayisha, and please, [now that you've gone public] dont eat in strange houses. Some of these "Anonymous" people are people you know, people who just ate in the same dish with you. God have mercy on us!!!

Ayisha my Muslim sister. Your story brings tears t...

2011-01-26T02:38:41.268+01:00

Ayisha my Muslim sister. Your story brings tears to my eyes, [as it should to every mother], as I remember what I went through to have the "privilege" of looking after my own only son too, during the extremely turbulent and tumultous years of my, eventually failed, first marriage.... At some point in fact, after he got a job in Ireland and we moved from Nigeria, it appeared that my son and I had successfully escaped the strongholds, and eventually [after all said and done], ended in a court I could afford. That day, my son's dad told me in open court, that, by not remaining with him [the dad], I had "forfeited my right to be a mother". My heart bled as that arrow hit a vulnerable spot, hearing those words from the father of an only child. A child whose pregnancy was almost aborted less than 12 weeks old. 11 years later, he was fighting custody of this one child in a relationship that started failing from that time onwards. A child whose brother or sister was aborted by the same dad before it could have the chance to live. A usually outspoken graduate of 1983, I lost all confidence, and, confused, distraught and depressed, considered suicide. Ayisha, I am a Christian, so it's not a Muslim thing. I have come to believe it is a male ego thing. It appears there is "Something" in some men that conjures up the "POWER to punish" the woman that "dares" consider leaving them, when it is obvious the relationship no longer exists. In my case, when the court awarded me custody, [and his access rights], he was red-eyed and bitter, and "punished" me, by refusing to see the child [till today]. Now the "child" is aged 23 years, and I guess, to put closure to the pain he feels, he tells people his dad is dead. Otherwise, perhaps, the young man might have had no real life now, living painfully, in the bitter shadows of his parents' woefully failed relationship. How sad that would have been, not for us [the parents], but for the young man. Your story will resonate with lots of women. The flip side of this is that there are women who delibrately deprive the children from seeing their fathers, for whatever reasons, apart from cases of actual violence and domestic abuse. That also is wrong. I applaud your courage in taking steps to do what you do. If your child is an American citizen, the courts WILL decide "in the best interests of the child", and regardless of which hole his dad choses to hide him in, if the courts chose, he will be made to vomit your son. In my view, every child needs two parents, but where that can't be achieved, the child [he/she] needs it's mother in order to be nurtured, and then it needs it's dad. That is the proper way. For now, brace yourself for a long drawn out battle, and a wicked smear campaign that WILL be carried out by friends and family, [especially the ones closest to you], using religion, gender and culture as deadly weapons to attack your heart and mind. I strongly believe that those mothers who have survived the pain and agony of separation from their young children, and who have survived and become stronger, should hold the hands of those who still mourn. Speaking out like this, brings healing, and the ability to fight back, because you will get help. Good luck.

'HOPE' - for many in the world who simply ...

2011-01-25T01:04:47.731+01:00

'HOPE' - for many in the world who simply roll over & accept the status quo (thank you!); esp those that live under strictest religious laws that define the legal age of the ward of the male child in separation; deep patriarchal societies... where women are still viewed as objects; and challenging legal systems that deny any mother locus standi. Hope: that your legal pursuit in Nigeria embraces the silent prayers of mothers and children in the world. Hope: that just as there are challenging men, there are also good ones that were reared and cared by strong balanced women who taught them right from wrong. The magnitude of what you've done can never be under estimated. Your case is no longer personal. Firstly, its "legal" given that it could set a legal precedence in your country, as well as in jurisdictions that use common law, w...here women struggle to establish locus standi. Additionally, it seeks to establish a precedence where the courts are reluctant to interpret the application of conflicts of law:(the application of religious laws vs constitutional laws: where the former has more legal weight, then the latter). Secondly, you are challenging the interpretation of sharia law on custody of children, and more so, the boy child: (and I love you so much as a sister for taking the courage). Thirdly, you are challenging culture and tradition by trying to introduce a new mental frame on child custody issues and the right of a mother to have a say in upbringing of her child. The great thing about your case is that its in Nigeria: you've ratified CRC and CEDAW. Use internal and external pressure to bring about the change. Rely on HR Law : they don't require that you change your culture but only segments that are detrimental to the evolution of society. Be part of the shadow reporting process (its a confidential process): Govt usually commit to change when they know that they will be exposed internationally, that includes the Bench. Don't stop writing about your experience: document it - share it for international consumption (I would like to share your story on my page). Form strong partnerships with the women's movement esp. the Islamic women's movements (I've met so many dynamic, balanced, strong women): I will send you links with international NGOS that could support your case. Consider establishing an international petition for your right to be heard in the court: preparing a dossier documenting your case, circulated to the International Bar and UNCEDAW on the challenges you face, would be a good start. Lastly, offer better solutions then what you're asking your society to give up. Always take the higher moral ground and ask the hard questions. Brave the storm

interesting how all these 'friend's of Ayi...

2011-01-25T01:03:35.105+01:00

interesting how all these 'friend's of Ayisha and Yakubu and the noble Belgores who ignore court orders are all anonymous.

To the annonymous who said Aisha was at the wedding of his dead cousin -provide proof because I happen to know she was not there. And so what if she was? Is it not our big men like OBJ who are sleeping with their sons' wives everyday...oh but that is okay because they are men - they are held down to lower standards. Meanwhile when men marry the sisters of their dead wives or their first cousins as 'fulanis' reportedly do...there is nothing disgusting there abi? No line has been crossed there.

As for a respected family..that's a laugh. First of all the Belgores already had a history of kidnap and strong arm tactics and if the scardy cats had the guts to tell the truth they will tell of how they hid this same poor child from his mother when he was only 18 months old on the instructions of a sitting Justice of a supreme court judge...on no legal basis...no one knew that they were a respectable family who should not do that abi?

and when a former chief justice comes flying to the airport in the morning on the lying pretext of his son that he was not 'informed' of the trip and surrounded a 6 year old and his mother with immigration and SSS saying the mother was child trafficking that was noble abi?
is it not our so called culture that when children quarrel the adults try to settle them, in this case does anyone know if Justice Belgore called the mother and said 'i hear what you are about to do, for the sake of peace come let's talk about it? let us for the sake of arugment say he considers her his inferior - did he call her step father a man who is supposed to be his friend? no...he took law into his hands because he is 'the law'
this story is the story of Nigeria pure and simple: about power and oppression and strong arm tactics. Is Aisha Babangida's daughter not in her father's house in Minna with her ex -husband not allowed to even smell the house to see her...that is Islamic law abi...where the children belongs to the men...oh only if the girls father has more money and power. what happened in their own case...as I said the usual 'big mannism' and feeling that rules are for 'lesser mortals'.

maybe if the Belgores had taken the just road this would not happen...after all the event did not happen yesterday...what took her this long to speak up?

for those who are interested, instead of making up stories - go to court and pull out the court filings and read the facts that each party has sworn to. oh i forgot...this is Nigeria...no one deals with facts...only conjecture and feudal emotions.

that time is ending..it is ending...people are not going to keep covering for this so called 'leaders' who have two personas - one public face where they pretend to be humble and kind and decent and a private one where they get up to absolutely no good.

Aisha,no leaf drops from a tree without the consen...

2011-01-24T23:31:23.662+01:00

Aisha,no leaf drops from a tree without the consent of Allah,people who go to court never becomes friends never.as a muslim,please pray ask prayerful people to join you in prayer,ask for forgiveness of sins if it exits and i know your son,ex husband and you will be friends again.your son will return to you,pls allow room for dialogue and am positive there is nothing that prayer cannot do.this year insha allah your son will re-unite with you.please leave bitter alone,its satan handiwork.

Anonymous poster 10:13pm, it has a lot to do with ...

2011-01-24T22:20:49.022+01:00

Anonymous poster 10:13pm, it has a lot to do with it. Its wrong and its petty but it is not irrelevant. We are all but human. Don't misunderstand me, the actions of the Belgores are getting excessive and beneath what is expected by those who respect them but there is provocation. If Ayisah wants to tell the story, she should not be biased. She wronged, has been wronged now she should be reunited with her child.

To Anonymous posted at 9.45pm. Kindly explain wha...

2011-01-24T22:13:36.945+01:00

To Anonymous posted at 9.45pm. Kindly explain what remarriage has got to do with this issue. Is remarriage an offence? What or how does this give the family a right to abduct a child? Was the said widower forced to remarry or did he not remarry of his own volition. Please let's stop bringing up petty emotional issues. God will make a way when there seems to be no way.

Ayisha, its unfair to mislead your readers and tak...

2011-01-24T21:45:51.297+01:00

Ayisha, its unfair to mislead your readers and take advantage of them. You don't leave a man then marry the widower of his late first cousin. Not when you attended the wedding, knew them as a couple and when she died so tragically at the young age of 26. You crossed a line and these are the consequences. You didn't think the other parent had a right to know where his child is when you were leaving for America without informing him so why do you expect better than you gave? Disrespect is being repaid with disrespect. You have suffered and I hope they are now satisfied and stop bringing themselves to your level. They are a respected family and didn't just start today. They should not allow a dirty fight with you to spoil their name. They should maintain their dignity and return the son to his mother or father so that you can both share custody. Your son will be raised with his cousin who is now also his sister but as flawed as you are, you do have that right.

This is a truly pitiful tale and I feel for her. ...

2011-01-24T20:44:07.937+01:00

This is a truly pitiful tale and I feel for her.

However, her assertion that Nigeria has "lost its values" and taken on the "worst from the outside" is, in a word, BS. If western-style law truly were in place, this woman wouldn't lose her child. In fact, to carry things to their logical and absurd end, being a Muslim, she has nothing about which to complain.

All comments hold valid points..some more biased t...

2011-01-24T19:57:56.902+01:00

All comments hold valid points..some more biased than others.
For those of us of Islamic faith who are calling Gods name in this discussion, remember He says in the Quran;O ye who believe! Stand firmly for Allah as witnesses to fair dealings and let not hatred of others to you make you to swerve to wrong and depart from justice; Be just, that is next to piety, Then fear Allah for Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do.” Q5:8

There are 2 sides to every story. Neither mom nor dad should be seperated from their child. A child should not be used as a pawn. If she was indeed taking off without informing the father then that raises some controversy...who knows? she probably has a reason she deems justifiable for doing that if she truly did.

On the other hand, kidnapping is a crime. For whatever reason, even if her ex's family felt she was an unfit mom, they as a legal family who know better should have found a better way to address the issue instead of an unnecessary airport drama.It doesnt make sense that he is not even living with his dad if this is indeed true. Both parents should be allowed access to the child.
My heart goes out mainly to the child. No one has even mentioned him much. How about what he wants?Its very unfair to have him in the middle of this. His best interest is what we should be looking out for.
I do feel for you Ayisha, just remember to be a selfless mom even in this struggle, dont be tempted to be vindictive regardless of your pain. You get more bees with honey than vinegar. I do hope they are reasonable in the court of law.
I admire your courage, you are the best to know where your shoe hurts but think mainly of your son in every step you take.
I pray this is resolved with the least amount of pain. I wish you well.

Unfortunately women do it too. I am a classic exam...

2011-01-24T17:12:10.723+01:00

Unfortunately women do it too. I am a classic example. This is in the US we were married for 23yrs i brought her to America and before I knew it it was this is America, and not Nigeria. Be doing Naija father. We had 3 beautiful children.

When I was not a priority in her life, I left. She changed the phone to the house(which I signed of on, I will not put my kids on the street)and for almost 2yrs I could not speak to or see my kids. I complained to the court and did not get a hearing immediately, come the hearing date, the hearing officer they said was sick and case adjourned for another 9months I could not speak to or see my children. She knew this kids were my life so thats her tool.

I moved out of state and 3yrs after I remarried. My current wife said she would give me another child if that was the greatest pain. So I became a dad again at 50. My ex wife was furious because she had bragged that she had the ONLY son(we had two daughters and a son) and my family will have to come and beg her before they have access to the children.

As I write the kids do not talk to me with the exception of the middle one who insisted I had to be at her college graduation. Her mother refused me attend the reception, because it was at her house and I was not welcome.

She later remarried and left the pain and hurt on the kids and moved on.

How do you know if he is using the child as a pawn...

2011-01-24T14:31:32.588+01:00

How do you know if he is using the child as a pawn without hearing all sides of the matter. Fact is he is a father and being separated from your child as a dad is just as hard as it is for a mom. This pity party means little to me as the mom's side is equally irrelevant. Let the sperm donor keep his kid.

Ayisah is my a very good friend of mine and i know...

2011-01-24T13:25:07.300+01:00

Ayisah is my a very good friend of mine and i know first hand how much pain she is in.
The problem here is she is not fighting her husband but his father cos he has no say in the matter. It was his Father that went to the airport with SSS to snatch the boy from her. Her sone is the only male granchild of the family, i guess that makes the hold stronger. So now who deserves such pain???? It would have been easier i guess if moha was with his dad and not his uncle. The judge does not want to go against the Big justice so since the case started it has been one adjournment after another. Maybe they will keep at this until moha becomes an adult who knows??