All the ways in which the MTV Africa Awards were awful

The MTV Africa Awards held at the Velodrome near the National Stadium in Abuja last night. It was a disappointment. Let me tell you the ways:

1. The event management/security was dangerously sub par. There was no clear information on where to park, either on the ticket or via temporary signage around the venue. Consequently, hundreds of drivers had no idea where to leave their cars. This led to chaos and an hour wait to drive inside the stadium - with cars nosing against each other and tempers (mine included) raised. Getting inside the velodrome was a life-threatening experience. Hundreds of people forced through one-at-a-time like cattle to the slaughter. The crush was scary. At the gap in the metal fence blocking the flow was a white guy, exuding malevolence. He looked like ex-Mossad to me. I gave him some lip when I got near to the gap, telling him what a great job he was doing. He grabbed my face with his hand and squeezed it, and sneered, 'so what the fuck you gonna do huh?' A little later, I bumped into a female friend there who had come up from Lagos to see the event and had had a similar experience getting in. 'Never again' were her precise words.

2. The velodrome is NOT a venue for music events. The concrete curves of the place create the most unsuitable echoey acoustics. It was impossible to hear what the presenters/award givers/winners were saying. Ditto the acceptance speeches. I was thankful the place didn't collapse - as did the first version of this Julius Berger-erected white elephant (originally erected for the COJA games, never used since).

3. Quite why the event was billed as the MTV Africa Music Awards (MAMA) is a mystery. In reality, the event was mostly a celebration of the derivative low-production-values drivel that is Nigerian hip-hop - Dbanj, P-Square and the like. There was no sense of a wider continent or variety, even from within the African hip-hop sub-genre. The audience screamed wildly whenever Dbanj's name was mentioned, but fell silent at the names of non-Nigerian artistes.

4. Trevor Nelson (the MC) is a prick. Some poor woman had to carry a towel and follow him round, de-shining his head every few moments. What kind of person insists on a towel carrier?

5. The headline act, The Game, looks like he has spent most of his time in a maximum security prison in an orange jumpsuit. Quite why he should be revered as a model for African youth is beyond me.

Now for the good points.

1. At least the velodrome didn't collapse
2. Seun Kuti is a star in the making. Give him a better venue and he would have thrilled
3. 9Ice is a subtle performer and one to watch. Again, give him a better venue and he might just provide a good night out
4. There was a young guy wearing jeans, t-shirt and a hausa cap at a jaunty angle. I quite like that fashion concept
5. Before the show, a guy started spinning trays and balancing a twirling bottle with a stick held between his teeth while doing the splits. Not sure how that was humanly possible

Apart from the This Day tent on the Lekki Expressway, Nigeria doesn't have a decent concert venue where thousands of people (especially young women) can safely enjoy live music. From the evidence of last night, neither is there a decent event-management/security outfit that can create a safe environment for events of this kind in Nigeria.